What Not to Say to a Dying Person
-End-of-Life Doulas of Kansas
(Remember, hearing is the last thing to go. These things should not be discussed with the dying person or around them).
DON’T:
Make jokes/ use euphemisms (e.g. Buying the Farm, Kicking the Can, etc.)
Discuss your own beliefs about why they are dying (e.g. “you shouldn’t have smoked all of those cigarettes”).
Say something trite about death (e.g. “Heaven needs a new angel”)
Focus solely on your feelings- (Don’t make their death about you)
Discuss how inconvenienced you are.
Discuss how you would feel (or how you would act) in their shoes.
Tell them how they should be acting or feeling (e.g. “try to stay positive,” “your kids need you to be strong.”)
Talk about their appearance or smell (to them OR around them)
Try to hurry them to separate their estate or divvy up possessions (with them or around them)
Make accusations, deliver insults, or start fights
Don’t rehearse unhappy memories or bring up old grudges (unless you are trying to ask for or give forgiveness)
Insult their home or lack of housekeeping
Restrict their indulgences (e.g. if they want a candy bar or cigarette)
Refuse them pain meds out of fear of addiction
Deny their religious beliefs and traditions
Don’t say:
“I know how you feel.”
“Don’t die! [We, I, the kids, etc] need you!”
“You’ll be healed.”
“If you pray hard enough…”
“Things happen for a reason.”
“It is God’s will.”
“When it’s your time, it’s your time.”
“You’re looking thinner.”
“Don’t worry, it’ll be over soon.” The length of the dying process is unpredictable. No one truly knows how much time remains, and statements like this can unintentionally minimize the physical, emotional, and spiritual challenges the person is facing right now. Rather than focusing on when death will come, focus on being present in the moment. A simple, “I’m here with you,” can provide far more comfort than trying to predict the end time.
“This happens to all of us eventually.” This phrase can take the focus off of the dying person and put it back on the speaker. While it is true that death is a universal experience, the person who is dying is facing a deeply personal journey that deserves to be acknowledged. Generalizing their experience may feel dismissive of their fears, grief, losses, or unique circumstances.
Presence and open dialogue are often the best choices. Let the person express their feelings without judgement. Offer practical, tangible solutions to pain and discomfort. Reassure the person that you are there for them and that you love them. Use this time to tell them what they did RIGHT in life. “Thank you’s” and “I am so grateful to know you’s” often fill the space with peace and usher in a sweet presence.
If you don’t know what to say, quiet vigiling and hand holding are also options. Being fully present and available for comfort are true gifts to the dying person, even if they can’t express their gratitutde.
